I’m officially addicted, and paranoid.

Currently listening to: Sponsored by Destiny
By: Slagsmalsklubben
(oh how I love Swedish Techno beats)

I just realized that I’ve been negligent and forgot to bring my lunch this morning. I was so looking forward to that bologna and cheese sandwich and the sides of grapes and wheat thins. When you realize that you were expecting something and then it’s something completely different, kind of like when you drink orange juice but OH SHIT it’s actually milk, your entire body cringes with the shock of it and your face squishes into this completely distorted look that makes you look like you just smelled something that had been dead for at least four months, to be only slightly specific. So yep, here I am, sitting at work and realizing that I, like an idiot, left my deliciously scrumptious lunch at home. For shame.

So I’ve come to realize that I may have developed a slight addiction, maybe it’s to reading, maybe it’s to the internet, maybe it’s to the foolish belief that I am constantly expanding my mind, I don’t really know. I feel that a lot of other people out there like to stay well informed as well, but I don’t know if reading a 10 page New York Times article on shared parenting is really appropriate for a girl who is only 19 and barely making her way in the world. There’s also the media factors, I follow at least two different podcasts — Diggnation for one, iFanboy because I’m just such a comic book whore, and then the other various ones on history and classic novels. Now that I’ve realized that PBS.com has multiple full length presentations on their website I basically shat myself with excitement, if I were to have any clue as to what an orgasm actually feels like I would have sworn that I came when I found out.  Brilliant Broadcsts from Growing Up Online to Fighting Child Prostitution to exposes on childbirth injuries prevalent amongst Ethiopian Women. Cracking the Maya code?! This shit is like crack cocaine to me! I’m a kid in a metaphorical candy shop! I want it all and I’m going to be on the biggest sugar high of my life!

I feel like I’m addicted to information, that I can’t process enough facts and statistics at once, I want to be well informed of the world around me, sure The Onion is fantastic material, their written satire really can’t be beat. But I’m thriving on this real news, these real reports, The New York Times education and film sections should really just IV right into me, I don’t need food. I need this stream of information. It doesn’t help that I’m reading books like Generation Me: Why today’s young Americans are more Confident, Assertive, Entitled — and miserable than ever before,  Class Matters, and Sin No More: From Abortion to Stem Cells. Understanding Crime, Law, and Morality in America . What am I? Fucking…55? I should be off reading the lated book by Chuck Klosterman (though I have read his work) or praising the work of Chuck Palahniuk (God that last names hard to spell).

Here brings in that whole…paranoia business. I’m sitting here devouring all of this information, gorging myself on it really. I find myself reading things about the economy, the possibility of universal healthcare, jobs that pay surprisingly well, and parenting for pete’s sake. I feel like I’m 19 but I’m constantly looking to the future. Looking for the position that I think is best, planning my co-ops a good six months ahead of the game, causing myself to needlessly worry about…well…everything it seems. Planned assets, property prices, the economy, my childrens school districts, parenting methods, job choices. I mean, I could go on and on. My boyfriend frequently chides me for being so quiet when we’re walking places, the real issue is that I just don’t want him to think that I’m some worry wart freak of nature, because as we’re walking I’m considering the cost of living of where we’re walking, approximate taxes, how much of an annual salary I’d devote to a mortgage. Crazy things like that. I’m fully aware that this boy wants to marry me, but what if he stays at the same job? These crazy thoughts are running through my head all the time. Today I was picking apart the article on parents who opted for Shared Parenting. Really? Two parents with part time jobs and still having to pay for daycare? I don’t even know how that would work out for you financially, that leaves you no room for upward movement within the company — you’ve basically just stuck yourself in the same position at your job for the next 10 years. Besides, your company has to be amazing if they’re going to give you benefits and all of that other jazz. Working part time the average family is looking at an average COMBINED income that might (if they’re lucky) graze the 60,000 dollar mark. Combine that with the average home in the US costing 200K (note that that translates to more than 3 times your combined annual income) — that leaves you looking at being in a constant state of debt — with your mortgage approaching 1/2 of your income. I don’t know if  I could live with that kind of stress and pressure.

Gah! I’m thinking again. Damn me. I love McDonalds.

A little bit of everything.

I’ve had an enjoyable three-day weekend, not to mention a glorious return to a work environment without a boss. She’s off in Cancun for the week so I’m enjoying a bit of blissful solitude and working at a more leisurely pace. It’s always nice to get those 10+ hours of overtime on a weekly basis — but for once I’d like to have a little bit more relaxation, especially with so many chores to get done at home.

So I was reading my daily dose of the New York Times / Daily Mail and I was just so overwhelmed at the amount of pressure that parents have been putting on their kids. One section that I always frequent in the NYT is Education, mostly because it’s always something that is still in the back of my mind — I’m in school now and I was certainly driven to get here, but there are occasionally articles about Grad school as well as post-graduate work (one article on Teach for America in Particular grabbed my attention). This article took me right back to my high school days where I was working through every lunch period, taking down notes like it’s going out of style and shovelling down my food in the class prior. My parents were never the ones that pushed me to be “the BEST” at everything, they just always wanted me to do my best. Looking back I realized that I never really did my best and in that sense failed them but I am very appreciative of how supportive of my academic decisions and accomplishments that they’ve been. When I merely on a whim was interested in a program at my school that cost an additional $2500 a year they didn’t hesitate for a second when they came in with me and participated in the interview process, and then not quite as eagerly footed the bill. They’ve always had endless patience with my sister as well, she’s not necessarily what one would consider a Mathlete or a potential candidate for Valedictorian — my parents however have always realized how intelligent she is and have always given her the tools that would most aid her in her success.

Though I am incredibly frustrated with my parents presently (they seem to think that I have endless amounts of time to drive forty minutes away, and spend three hours at a store, and then come in on a DIFFERENT weekend to watch sweaty men move things, oh wait — did I mention I don’t have a  car? Yeah I don’t). I still love them very much — I wish I could one day do the same thing.

A lot of the whole “kids” thoughts have been on my mind lately — possibly not helped by the fact that my present partner likes to theorize what kind of parents we would be, and praises my apparently excellent domestic partner skills (I don’t understand how he can stand my cooking, really). So I’m just getting all of these ideas, and worrying that maybe I’d be one of those parents who is just going to worry about everything — wanting my child to not only be a virtuoso with the cello, but also dance and shoot par. Who knows, I may not be the mother to any child prodigies, but it’d be fun. I can only hope that I can raise them to appreciate Harry Potter, reading, open source software, the internet, Disney Classics, and all things Marvel.

Maybe we can play cool games.