Hooray! (Kinda)

Currently Listening to: The Tornado Lessons
By: Cloud Cult

Ch’yeah!!! (Cue Tiger Woods-esque fistpump)

So, yes Tiger won the U.S Open AGAIN yesterday, so this is a slight homage to him. However, I definitely did a tiger-esque epic fist pump yesterday when I got my phone call from Ben Popken, Chief Editor over at Consumerist.com, who called to say that I GOT THE INTERNSHIP! (cue the Hallelujah chorus…). I start on Monday, assuming that all of my Comcast Installations go according to plan and free of corporate shenanigans, and that I get my phone charger back sometime within the next week. My entire connection to the outside world has basically been cut off now that my cell phone is dead. I am a baby whose umbilical cord has just been severed from it’s mother and I’m not sure yet where I’m going to get my daily dose of essential nutrients.

I’m pretty excited about this internship, it was all I could do from doing an epic fist pump in the middle of the open studio surrounded by coworkers, but my overflowing enthusiasm resulted in a somewhat awkward conversation with Ben, since I really would just leave long bouts of silence as my mind raced all over the place.  He was as dazed and confused as I was I think. We’ll see how impressive my work in the Gawker Media Network becomes. Maybe I will conquer them.

Oh I will conquer. Yes I will conquer. I will conquer to the point that Gengis Kahn will shit his pants — IN HIS GRAVE.

Okay, now that I finally got that out of my system, I can move on to the meatier stuff. Savage Grace has released in theaters and I am shooting myself in the foot because I don’t know if I have the time to go see it this week and I highly doubt that it’s going to stay in theaters thru next week — you know how the indie film circuit goes. I already missed Mongol when it released and even though there’s a download online it’s harddubbed with Russian (it’s confusing enough to be reading subtitles– I don’t want to be jerked around with two audio sequences). I did, however, get a successful and acceptable (and awesome) download of In Bruges and Charlie Bartlett, and I’m quite excited about those. I apologize about not writing reviews for films lately, it’s just that they’ve all been so lackluster. Besides — I don’t really tell anyone this but I have this small little place in my dark heart for Romantic Comedies, I know, I pretend like I’m a high-and-mighty, holier-than-thou kind of person when it comes to movies. But sometimes a girl really needs to kick back and watch that pornography-for-the-female-mind bullshit that the media is feeding us today. I’m sorry, I know I will likely burn a thousand years in hell for it, but it is a habit I don’t think I can shake. But the jist of it is that I’m far to embarressed to write about THOSE films. Besides, the Great Debators, Dewey Cox, and We Own the Night hardly make up any solid writing material.

So, one little ferret ball of stress has been completely eliminated. Only to be replaced with some other bouncy beings which are constantly rotating about my head like electrons.  There are some personal issues with some specific relationships and friendships, then there’s the whole stress of moving, which has been near to impossible to completely finish with the lack of a car, and the fact that I’m still working full time. I’m angry, frequently tired, and I’ve developed an eye twitch that makes me akin to Mr. DeMartino from Daria.

I’m not kidding.

This stress may just be killing me.

A couple of reviews & what I’m looking forward to.

So, last night on my typical 5:30 walk home from work whilst I was winding my way through ridiculously crowded pedestrian ways apparently the T caught on fire. Yes, FIRE. So I get to my destination (usually the Downtown Crossing T stop) only to find what can only be described as a platoon of policemen and an army of firetrucks which insisted on barraging my ears with their terribly high pitched and loud sirens. Of course there was smoke everywhere billowing out and everyone around me was pondering the possibility of a Terrorist Attack. Oh Boston, you think you’re so important. Anywho, I meander down to the next nearest T stop (Park Street) thinking “Well I’m sure the Green Line is running if the Orange line isn’t” — of course there’s an even more ridiculous amount of people, I don’t even know how they all squeezed into the minimal amount of space that was surrounding the Park Street Stop — but it happened, and I was stuck in the middle of all of it. Now, cashless and without a Bank of America in sight, I decide “why the heck not, I’ll just walk”. It’s really not that far back to my dorm from the common, maybe a 20-30 minute walk down Boylston, but you don’t just do that kind of shit voluntarily. Of course, because all of the Gods were conspiring against me that day, by the time I get to Copley Square it is raining so hard that I can’t see where I’m going (this might also be the water-on-glasses effect) and shivering from the cold. I drop into the Prudential Center, wet, cranky and searching for warmth. The only thing that effectively cheers me up is a purchase from Barnes & Noble (I’ve had a  book I’ve been meaning to buy) and a slice from Pizzeria Regina. I sit and wait for the storm to subside a bit, enjoying my book, and then walk that final stretch.

Needless to say when I got home I was NOT in the mood to go to the gym. Let alone do Laundry. So of course the next viable option was to PJ it up, curl into bed, and scour my Media folder for a downloaded movie that I haven’t watched yet.

So guess what I watched? OH YEAH. Untraceable.

I’m sure you’re just like “Untraceable?! that sounds vaguely familiar…” That’s right kids, this is the “cybercrime” thriller where Diane Lane fancies herself an investigator. The plot is okay at best, it’s interesting but they reveal the killer far too soon and remove all the suspense — you spend the rest of your time watching the film just being like “oh snap, I saw that coming, oh well”. The upside is you get to hear Diane Lane refer to a backdoor trojan multiple times, as if she actually knows what it means — and actual computer  geeks will get a kick out of it when they see The Dummies guide to MySQL sitting on her desk. I guarantee you that the interns in charge of getting props were also looking at Ruby on Rails books thinking that it would make the set so much more “Legit”.  The problem that I really had with this movie was that there was no real explanation for why the killer just randomly decides to start kidnapping FBI agents (come on people, don’t expect spoiler alerts here), why they decide to bring into the plot that she’s a single mother, or bring in a half love interest and never really pursue it. I was hoping that the whole thing was going to be really fucked up and it was actually some guy on their TEAM. That would have been so much better.  Also the geeky guy who plays her partner, he’s pretty cute, and desperately searching online for love. That’s just so damn cute.

Now for some other movies/books that I’ve seen recently and have been meaning to Review. Hopefully you’re okay with that.

This is England [2007]

I don’t personally know a lot about English history — particularly anything post WWII but this is a  stunning look into the 1980s lifestyle followed by impoverished kids. When I first started watching this I was thinking it was a much more harrowing example than that presented to the Weirs in Freaks and Geeks. But it covers some of the blanket ideas — the rolling in of the Punk area, a struggle for identity, bullying and fighting, a gang of friends. It all starts out with Shaun, now he’s a bit of a loner, off on his own all the time and struggling for some acceptance, he’s picked on consistently at school mostly because of his trousers (he was wearing Flares — eew, so 70’s) on his way back home from a bad day he runs in to a bit of a gang, and they take pity on him. You’ve seen these kids before, black doc’s and white shirts, tight whitewashed jeans, and surrounded by funny looking or freakishly dressed girls. They take him into their gang, and he’s simply happy because he has a group of friends, there’s nothing else that he wants. Fun ensues until the Skinhead Combo barges in.

He’s fresh out of jail, returning to the gang and eager to take over the reins and lead them on a nationalistic battle to get rid of the immigrants who are stealing their jobs and to defend England to the death. This made me recall a lot of the lectures from when I was in Sociology of Violence — the mentality behind the skinhead and Aryan movements here in America — I’d never realized that such happenings were in England as well. Shaun, whose father died in the Falklands, must choose between staying with Woody and his friends or joining Combo on his violent quest to protect the homeland. Combo then leads Shaun down a trail of violence and hate that is completely unimaginable — it makes one worry and understand just how impressionable children can be. Combo is a character that keeps you on the edge of your seat — he is so unstable you don’t really know what to do next and when he finally explodes in the tear-jerking heart-wrenching end scene you simply don’t know how to react. It leaves your body feeling heavy, you feel weighed down will guilt. This movie is an excellent social commentary on society, and a good look back on what England was.

The Bank Job [2008]

Films that are based on true stories are by and large tough to take, as the line between fiction and reality is blurred to the extent that one wonders why it exists in the first place. The producers of The Bank Job suggest that the real facts about the 1971 robbery of a bank in Baker Street that had officials in Britain issuing a D-Notice (a gag order, essentially) and set off rumors about members of the Royal Family. I went back and read the wikipedia articles on most of the characters in the film are fairly accurate. According to the Wiki article on the movie “this movie is intended to reveal the truth for the first time,^[5] although it includes significant elements of fiction and the extent to which it represents historical fact is difficult to determine.”

Overall, though, I enjoyed the movie, it’s not one of those “OMG I’ll watch it again and again” but I’d certainly reccommend it. Think Guy Ritchie-lite, and that’s never a bad thing (Except Revolver, that was weird) In fact, Jason Statham’s even in it as the lead.

Jason Statham has an old childhood friend who conveniently stops by because she knows that he’s always strapped for some cash. He of course trusts her implicitly, who wouldn’t trust a beautiful woman? She enlists him to rob a bank. The snare is that she’s setting him up while the plus is that he’ll get to keep the money. Terry comes up with a rough and ready crew in a matter of a few carefully concocted but usual scenes and the heist is on (Think Ocean’s 11 Remake).

The Bank Job has a very linear plot — predictable, my only complaint is that the entire film is moving at a snails pace, though the movie is only 111 minutes.

Another problem here is that the back-story is very exciting and the film captures to hone in on it in just about every way. While we’ll probably never know the real story behind this heist, the conjecture is a hell of a good time. Take this portion from a February 2008 article from The Daily Mail: “Speculation quickly arose that compromising sexual photographs of the queen’s sister, the late Princess Margaret, had been uncovered in the bank vault. It was rumoured they had been stashed away by well-known underworld figure Michael X. A drug dealer and Black Power leader, he was convicted of murder and hanged in Trinidad in 1975. A government file on him will remain closed until 2054. The Mirror can for the first time reveal that Fleet Street editors of the day were approached directly by senior government officials and told to drop the story.”

Awesome.

Some movies that I’m looking forward to are Mongol and Bagheads to be released later this month — hopefully I can find the time to go to the theater. Maybe after I facilitate my move.

Things that I DID download while perusing the top 100 Movies list on TPB — Prince Caspian (ch’yeah!) and The Other Boleyn Girl (reviews coming soon). Tonight I’m going out with Jason and we’re going to go see Son of Rambow — terribly cute movie, hopefully he finds it hilarious and doesn’t hate me for being like “aw, but I love  indie films!” and grumble to himself about how he was hoping for something in Spanish and hopefully with a lot of sex scenes, A LOT.

More posts to come on some comics that I’m reading as well as books. I’m just tired of typing right now.

Boys Like Girls and The Office

Dearest readers of my blag I apologize for not updating recently, well due to the never ending tumultuous state of my life.

In case you didn’t get the webcomic reference, blag is spelled that way on purpose. Please use this as your memo get “hip and with it” in these modern times.

I don’t have a whole lot to rant about, other then the positively terrifying transition into a working life, and the cold and murky waters of a new job. Sometimes it’s terrible, especially when the only web browser they let you use is internet explorer 8 and that they’re recording every keystroke you make. I’m not quite sure how to react to that. If I should be typing funny little messages to the IT guys downstairs or simply type in all the NSFW things possible into the Google taskbar. At least they provide us with a copy of Google Earth, just in case I wanted to really see the Arctic Circle.

Office life is interesting, really like a wild jungle, each and every person prowling about as if on a mission, absorbing with their eyes every detail that they can about you, analyzing that information, and then making a snap judgment of one form or another.

So far I have encountered these bold stereotypes:

1) The Nice, but kinda creepy, = Old Guy: He typically dresses nice, with a typical shirt and tie but he’s easily distinguished because of his moustache, comb over, and pair of glasses straight out of 1983. He strikes up conversations with you and sometimes leave little treats on your desk, or just tells you to stand up straight because you’re “built like an Amazon woman”. You have to wonder if he ever DID watch the sexual harassment video, or if the last one he did watch was in 1954, where it was okay to give a smack on the butt as a sign of your fervent approval.

2) The Condescending Gay: So you know that you’re not exactly the “fashionista” of the office space, however, this guy looks you up and down as if whatever you’re wearing is something out of an MC Hammer video and he is going to have an epileptic seizure because of it. He likes to have “girl talk” with the other vogue puppets about the cute guy at the gym who he really swears is in no way straight. Though he may look as though he’s fresh out of a GQ magazine, believe me honey, there is no way that he’s talking to you if your shoes are not the latest Jimmy Choo’s.

3) The Hunched Old Woman + Accent: This is the lady who really is as big as a tree and could take you out if she wanted too, her voice is deeper than all get out and for some reason she wears her hair on the top of her head like a bun — which really reminds me of “The Trunchbull” from Matilda, secretly wants to stick little children in closets full of nails and broken glass. Also whenever she walks down the hallway you’d think that a brigade of stormtroopers was about to come in.

4) The Chatty Cathys: Typically pretty and well dressed these girls are the bane of your existence whenever in earshot. Yes, they’re eyecandy but whenever they open their mouths and discuss “Real Housewives of Orange County” and about how “like, ohmigod it’s the best show EVAR!”. You really want to shoot yourself in the foot just to see them squeal even louder at the sight of blood. You also don’t really understand how they ever get any work done because about 97% of their time is spent effectively online shopping.

5) The Incompetent Male Intern: He’s back for the second time, and God knows how he got his job back. He spends a majority of his coffee runs chatting up the female interns, his face is covered with a minor sprout of something resembling pre-pubescent underarm hair, and I’m pretty sure the last time he bathed wasn’t in the last fortnight. He somehow worms his way into the hearts of the other girl interns and gets them to do his work for him, effectively leaving him the time to find some other tail to score. He is a slacker, and a schmoozer at the highest level.

I’m sure I’ll have more updates on this at a later date – work is an ongoing and dynamic thing after all.

So what is it that you guys want to know about girls? Well there is one fact that is always going to be tried and true for girls, we don’t like it when you have other girls around. I’m sure you can find that girl who has had her heart broken by her cad of a boyfriend who decided to run off with her best friend – and I know that you guys have those stories too. But there’s really two things that I’m going to tell you guys that if you’re going to be in a relationship – please make sure you do it .

1) If you’re going to be doing something with another girl, make sure to let your girlfriend know. Girlfriends (at least not crazy ones) won’t flip a lid if you let her know about it, but if you’re going to go about and decide not to tell her, and then she finds out – boy then be ready for some heaping amounts of suspicion, yelling, and a whole lot of envy. Your girl is with you because she likes you, most like to preciously guard that commodity, they know you’re likable, and they know that girls are prone to liking you. Hanging out with other girls behind their back just leads them into a sense of vulnerability, which leads to a loss of confidence, which then leads to a bloody mess on your hands, because damn that woman will have gone off the deep end. My best recommendation: Don’t do it.

2)If you tell your girlfriend that you’re going to do something, actually do it. This is the number one pet-peeve of most girls. Also, you know that feeling, like when they announce a release date for a game (say, GTA IV) and then they’re like “HA, TRICKED YOU” – and you’re writhing in pain from the feeling of utter disappointment that is trapped in your gut. Yep, that’s what girls feel, except it may be for every petty thing that you forget. We also have this terrible habit of holding grudges – you know, harboring feelings because of past events, bringing it up frequently in conversation, oftentimes using it against you. We’re almost as talented as holding onto things as twisting your words around to make it seem like you said something that you really didn’t.

Okay kids I think this is all for the day. It’s nice to be able to sit at work and twiddle my thumbs because I’m printing off things that are way to massive for me alone to handle. However, I have been apparently abandoned by my superior on the second day – left to swim alone in a sea of paper sheets larger than an SUV, the issue isn’t the paper, it’s more like I have no idea what to do with it. This afternoon is really going to be interesting.

Christmas, and the revenge of the Green Eyed Monster.

Okay, so I’m fully aware that Christmas is all in the spirit of giving, however, when your younger sibling who failed three of their exams gets approximately 4.5x the worth of your presents. One can’t help but to be slightly jealous. Especially considering that one of the gifts was a stereo system that seemed to be an exact replica of the giant black rectangle in 2001: A Space Odyssey, you all know what I’m talking about….I swear the damn thing is taller than her (and she’s 5′3″). However, I look back on those friendly Berenstain Bears books and think that there’s supposed to be something bloody positive about all of this.
Man, I loved those books when I was a kid, except it made me want to live in a tree and my parent’s didn’t necessarily agree with that idea. There was also this issue with wanting a pet bear…and to own a 12-gauge.

On the issue of women, and how they’re fucking crazy. A little attention really goes a long way, most expect you to think of damned creative or cute things all on your own little lonesome, without ever being told. Most girls follow the “I want you to know that I want you to do it without me having to ask you to do it” mantra, which is usually easily averted on the girls side by a simple request, however, of course, all women like to make things complicated. I think it’s just the natural system of checks and balances built into nature — if we got along fabulously, then by golly we’d have a population we couldn’t really control now wouldn’t we?

Here are some tips for if the little lady is a) your girlfriend, b) the girl you want to sleep with or c) some girl you plan on dating:
1. Call her, text her, do something, once a day, to show her that you are thinking of her. Facebook messages can help too.
2. On Holidays, do something for them. Card, gift, handcrafted macaroni necklaces. Who cares what it is — either way, if she’s saying” I don’t expect a gift”, it’s a blatant lie. If you want real brownie points — buy her a puppy, she’s going to say “oh my GOD”, guaranteed. She also may sleep with you on the spot.

To close, I’ll leave everyone with what little Christmas spirit that I still have. This is a clip featuring my favorite Christmas song “Baby it’s Cold outside” with one of my favorite actresses Zooey Deschanel (she’s great at playing the quirky, crazy type — and Will Ferrel.

Merry Christmas all!
Tomorrow expect updates and some game reviews for: Orange Box, COD 4, Bioshock and Oblivion GotY Edition.

The day before Christmas, one would hope that it would be Merry.

Giant gingerbread houses? Seriously who comes up with these ideas besides that child eating witch in Hansel and Gretel. I think that my mother has officially gone crazy when she says that this “sightseeing” is the equivalent of family bonding time. All I can think about is the miserable two and a half hour long car ride that it’s going to be to get there, just to arrive to some old lady with perfectly coiffed hair undoubtedly offering me cider and then reciting each and every useless detail as to the construction of it. Honestly, since we are in the south, all I can assume to be accurate is the fact that it was probably made by Mexicans.

In other news, I think that I and every other procrastinator in the country has decided to shop today. I, for one, am really just aggravated that GameStop thinks there’s going to be a massive post-holiday rush and refuses to sell me a Nintendo DS today, when I know for a fact that there are 20 in the back. Oh, the benefits of being a GameStop employee — and a female employee at that. Multiple encounters with the third kind (pimply faced pubescent boys with 3-day old grease in their hair asking me if I actually played video games, who were then for some reason shocked at the fact that my gamerscore is higher than theirs.) led me to realize that working a job in retail should really put you on the fast track to sainthood. I hope that the Pope is taking notes. Another minor insult along these same lines is when boys are like “wow, you know what torrents are”. Really? REALLY?

Jim Halpert, where are you in real life so that I can marry you now.

As for my comments on women here is one thing you should know (I will try to include one of these every update):

1. If you ever make a comment about our physical appearance that is negative we will never forget it, but for some reason if you call us beautiful, we pretend we never heard it as an excuse to hear it more often.

• This includes compliments of our clothing, if you say we look nice in something, it’s a guarantee that we will wear it    more. I also swear that every woman has that pair of “ass jeans” that they think makes them look two sizes smaller.
• Those Twix commercials, listen to them for God’s sake

Damn this writers strike is really affecting me, I’m so glad that I have Jon Stewart in my basement in case I need any dry and witty humor.

My goal for the remainder of Christmas break aside from playing through a stack of violent video games is to learn this entire dance so that I’m ready for each and every random dance party that comes along.