Boys Like Girls and The Office

Dearest readers of my blag I apologize for not updating recently, well due to the never ending tumultuous state of my life.

In case you didn’t get the webcomic reference, blag is spelled that way on purpose. Please use this as your memo get “hip and with it” in these modern times.

I don’t have a whole lot to rant about, other then the positively terrifying transition into a working life, and the cold and murky waters of a new job. Sometimes it’s terrible, especially when the only web browser they let you use is internet explorer 8 and that they’re recording every keystroke you make. I’m not quite sure how to react to that. If I should be typing funny little messages to the IT guys downstairs or simply type in all the NSFW things possible into the Google taskbar. At least they provide us with a copy of Google Earth, just in case I wanted to really see the Arctic Circle.

Office life is interesting, really like a wild jungle, each and every person prowling about as if on a mission, absorbing with their eyes every detail that they can about you, analyzing that information, and then making a snap judgment of one form or another.

So far I have encountered these bold stereotypes:

1) The Nice, but kinda creepy, = Old Guy: He typically dresses nice, with a typical shirt and tie but he’s easily distinguished because of his moustache, comb over, and pair of glasses straight out of 1983. He strikes up conversations with you and sometimes leave little treats on your desk, or just tells you to stand up straight because you’re “built like an Amazon woman”. You have to wonder if he ever DID watch the sexual harassment video, or if the last one he did watch was in 1954, where it was okay to give a smack on the butt as a sign of your fervent approval.

2) The Condescending Gay: So you know that you’re not exactly the “fashionista” of the office space, however, this guy looks you up and down as if whatever you’re wearing is something out of an MC Hammer video and he is going to have an epileptic seizure because of it. He likes to have “girl talk” with the other vogue puppets about the cute guy at the gym who he really swears is in no way straight. Though he may look as though he’s fresh out of a GQ magazine, believe me honey, there is no way that he’s talking to you if your shoes are not the latest Jimmy Choo’s.

3) The Hunched Old Woman + Accent: This is the lady who really is as big as a tree and could take you out if she wanted too, her voice is deeper than all get out and for some reason she wears her hair on the top of her head like a bun — which really reminds me of “The Trunchbull” from Matilda, secretly wants to stick little children in closets full of nails and broken glass. Also whenever she walks down the hallway you’d think that a brigade of stormtroopers was about to come in.

4) The Chatty Cathys: Typically pretty and well dressed these girls are the bane of your existence whenever in earshot. Yes, they’re eyecandy but whenever they open their mouths and discuss “Real Housewives of Orange County” and about how “like, ohmigod it’s the best show EVAR!”. You really want to shoot yourself in the foot just to see them squeal even louder at the sight of blood. You also don’t really understand how they ever get any work done because about 97% of their time is spent effectively online shopping.

5) The Incompetent Male Intern: He’s back for the second time, and God knows how he got his job back. He spends a majority of his coffee runs chatting up the female interns, his face is covered with a minor sprout of something resembling pre-pubescent underarm hair, and I’m pretty sure the last time he bathed wasn’t in the last fortnight. He somehow worms his way into the hearts of the other girl interns and gets them to do his work for him, effectively leaving him the time to find some other tail to score. He is a slacker, and a schmoozer at the highest level.

I’m sure I’ll have more updates on this at a later date – work is an ongoing and dynamic thing after all.

So what is it that you guys want to know about girls? Well there is one fact that is always going to be tried and true for girls, we don’t like it when you have other girls around. I’m sure you can find that girl who has had her heart broken by her cad of a boyfriend who decided to run off with her best friend – and I know that you guys have those stories too. But there’s really two things that I’m going to tell you guys that if you’re going to be in a relationship – please make sure you do it .

1) If you’re going to be doing something with another girl, make sure to let your girlfriend know. Girlfriends (at least not crazy ones) won’t flip a lid if you let her know about it, but if you’re going to go about and decide not to tell her, and then she finds out – boy then be ready for some heaping amounts of suspicion, yelling, and a whole lot of envy. Your girl is with you because she likes you, most like to preciously guard that commodity, they know you’re likable, and they know that girls are prone to liking you. Hanging out with other girls behind their back just leads them into a sense of vulnerability, which leads to a loss of confidence, which then leads to a bloody mess on your hands, because damn that woman will have gone off the deep end. My best recommendation: Don’t do it.

2)If you tell your girlfriend that you’re going to do something, actually do it. This is the number one pet-peeve of most girls. Also, you know that feeling, like when they announce a release date for a game (say, GTA IV) and then they’re like “HA, TRICKED YOU” – and you’re writhing in pain from the feeling of utter disappointment that is trapped in your gut. Yep, that’s what girls feel, except it may be for every petty thing that you forget. We also have this terrible habit of holding grudges – you know, harboring feelings because of past events, bringing it up frequently in conversation, oftentimes using it against you. We’re almost as talented as holding onto things as twisting your words around to make it seem like you said something that you really didn’t.

Okay kids I think this is all for the day. It’s nice to be able to sit at work and twiddle my thumbs because I’m printing off things that are way to massive for me alone to handle. However, I have been apparently abandoned by my superior on the second day – left to swim alone in a sea of paper sheets larger than an SUV, the issue isn’t the paper, it’s more like I have no idea what to do with it. This afternoon is really going to be interesting.

Christmas, and the revenge of the Green Eyed Monster.

Okay, so I’m fully aware that Christmas is all in the spirit of giving, however, when your younger sibling who failed three of their exams gets approximately 4.5x the worth of your presents. One can’t help but to be slightly jealous. Especially considering that one of the gifts was a stereo system that seemed to be an exact replica of the giant black rectangle in 2001: A Space Odyssey, you all know what I’m talking about….I swear the damn thing is taller than her (and she’s 5′3″). However, I look back on those friendly Berenstain Bears books and think that there’s supposed to be something bloody positive about all of this.
Man, I loved those books when I was a kid, except it made me want to live in a tree and my parent’s didn’t necessarily agree with that idea. There was also this issue with wanting a pet bear…and to own a 12-gauge.

On the issue of women, and how they’re fucking crazy. A little attention really goes a long way, most expect you to think of damned creative or cute things all on your own little lonesome, without ever being told. Most girls follow the “I want you to know that I want you to do it without me having to ask you to do it” mantra, which is usually easily averted on the girls side by a simple request, however, of course, all women like to make things complicated. I think it’s just the natural system of checks and balances built into nature — if we got along fabulously, then by golly we’d have a population we couldn’t really control now wouldn’t we?

Here are some tips for if the little lady is a) your girlfriend, b) the girl you want to sleep with or c) some girl you plan on dating:
1. Call her, text her, do something, once a day, to show her that you are thinking of her. Facebook messages can help too.
2. On Holidays, do something for them. Card, gift, handcrafted macaroni necklaces. Who cares what it is — either way, if she’s saying” I don’t expect a gift”, it’s a blatant lie. If you want real brownie points — buy her a puppy, she’s going to say “oh my GOD”, guaranteed. She also may sleep with you on the spot.

To close, I’ll leave everyone with what little Christmas spirit that I still have. This is a clip featuring my favorite Christmas song “Baby it’s Cold outside” with one of my favorite actresses Zooey Deschanel (she’s great at playing the quirky, crazy type — and Will Ferrel.

Merry Christmas all!
Tomorrow expect updates and some game reviews for: Orange Box, COD 4, Bioshock and Oblivion GotY Edition.